Saturday, December 8, 2007

Young Fundamentalists vs. Polar Bears or Stephen Colbert’s Wet Dream Comes True in the Bible belt.

(introductory guest-editorial by the esteemed Mr. Justin Partridge)

I want to tell you a story. It’s an epic story; a story as old as the people who told it to me. It’s a story about dumb vs. even dumber. That’s right kids; I am talking about The Golden Compass and the crusade of the 700 Club and the idiots that give copious amounts of money to it to derail the movie.

I feel though that I should give you a bit on insight into why I sit now at my trusty laptop with a big sweaty glass of Dewers, a half-filled corncob pipe, and a little Grecian boy rubbing my feet, writing this, soon to be venom spitting essay about a movie involving fucking talking polar bears.

Well, pull up a bean-bag and listen close.

The other day I was perusing the sheet music section of my local entertainment depot, Hastings, and I saw a group of fashionable young kids start to swarm around the contemporary Christian music section. I knew right then and there I had to keep an eye on those ruffians; some of the worst crimes in history have been committed by people of this nature. Josh Groban? Yeah. You see my point. So, I am searching through a certain songbook and I hear a conversation start to unfold about The Golden Compass. My ears perk… because I am a fucking nerd. The damndest thing happens though…they don’t seem into it. What? This makes no sense to me. I mean…it’s a movie about talking polar bears. Who wouldn’t want to see that? Don’t these kids like those seasonal Coke ads with the cute and cuddly bears, just getting into precious situations that always end up with a Coke reward? This is pretty much the same thing…except they TALK and WEAR ARMOR! You can’t get much cuter than that in my book.

So, I start to listen closer and that’s when things just start to get goofy. Now what follows is a direct quote from one of the Young Lifers and it is no way a product of my design. This is proven by two things. One: it’s just too damn nutty to come from a sane person and two: if I had written it, I would be a staff writer on The Daily Show instead of slumming for this greasy mic’s blog. One of the future zealots of America was quoted as saying that he was glad that the movie was coming out because it gave “them something to fight against”. The crazy Jesus-train doesn’t stop there, dear readers, oh no…this gospel-fueled, gay hatin’ fiasco is just starting to take off. From what I could infer from the conversation, from a safe distance, of course, these poor, brain-washed young whipper-snappers where planning on standing outside of a local movie theater and handing out flyers that advertise their church (does God really have more shit to sell? What is he, Ron Popeil?) and ask people why they let Phillip Pullman kill the idea of God in the minds of children. It was at this point I had to stumble back to the café and have a stiff swig from the flask before I hit the entire Jonestown High School graduating class of 2007 with a chair. To make matters worse, because it wouldn’t be a story about crazy fundamentalists without these nutballs, when I got home that night, I see that the 700 Club was having a weeklong series of segments about the entire His Dark Materials cycle because people “need to know about the evil about to seep into theaters”.

I see, because the evil that plagues the six o’clock news every night, in the form of drugs, rapes, murders, a meaningless war, government in shambles, and the fact that Chris Daughtry had a hit album just isn’t quite evil enough for people to know about.

Thanks Pat, I am really glad you opened my eyes!

Here is the thing; I have nothing against faith at all. I am not trying to put them down for what they believe in. But holy shit, that is fucking stupid. The movie is about a little girl with a bear and she has to get somewhere…that’s fucking it. The only thing that they can use against it is the fact that a church-like organization is the main source of villainy in the film and books. You know why? Because sometimes the church is fucking scary! You ever seen pictures of Vatican City at night?! It looks like Vincent Price’s dorm room. I am not trying to make a lot of waves here, but I really don’t see the rub. I read the His Dark Materials books when I was twelve years old and you know what I thought? I thought “Cool, talking polar bears that fight.” I read them a second time when I was fifteen and you know what I thought then? I thought “Cool, talking polar bears that fight.”


If you want to delve any deeper into the text, be my guest but don’t be mad when people find a meaning that differs from your religion of the week.

Oh and this is really the bitch of it…you ready for this? Phillip Pullman and C.S. Lewis, the creator of one the most beloved Christian fables, and yes I am counting the Bible, The Chronicles of Narnia, were FUCKING FRIENDS! That is the ultimate argument sinker of anyone dumb enough to look into this deeply. Mention that when you try to see Golden Compass and some pencil-necked, Bible-thumper gives you a God sales ad and you will see dreams crushed, faiths shaken, and lives questioned… all in the eyes of one church intern who just wanted to make a difference. To hell with that guy, if he can’t handle the cold hard facts of life then he should have stayed in the Sunday school classes that had to fast forward over all of the best parts of The Ten Commandments.

Its fantasy, kids. That is it. Fat Phil Pullman is a WRITER, someone who, by definition, makes his living telling stories and this story just happened to be read by people who found more in it that makes a bunch of people mad. All I am really saying is that everyone should just take it the hell easy. Just have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up about this whole religion-within-fiction thing, because if there is one thing that we can all agree on, it’s that Young Life chicks, though hot, will not put out and God hates chicks that don’t put out.

Giving a strong freshman effort,

J. Partridge.


Tom Landry: War Hero said...

Thanks very much to Mister Partridge for making me spew diet Coca-Cola out of my nose and all over several thousand dollars of government electronics while convulsing with laughter. This whole religion within fiction thing makes me seriously ill. It's fundamentalist ignorance on a monumental scale. I suppose they had to rail against something, though, since there aren't anymore Harry Potter books to burn.

Wags391 said...

It does make me angry. Fighting for religion. If you believe in it, that's all you need. You do not have to convince anybody else. Now, some people may want convincing, but they will welcome it. Force feeding doesn't fulfill the appetites of anyone except for those doing the feeding. Amazing how that works. Fiction is fiction. If kids today decide to believe a certain way, then either the parents failed, or they are intelligent enough to make their own choice.

I love this video I found. It's about Mormons...

Mormon Owned

FilthMongeringHippy said...

First I want to say that nothing is sexier than talking bears... I actually became aroused at the thought. Second Harry Potter now this?!?! Honestly why don't they just lock there little Zealots in a little room and make them watch reruns of Davey and Golith... by the time thats over they will beg to see this movie.

June said...

I am reading the books now to see for myself what all this hop-la is about. My sister tried to push this "don't watch the devil's movie" bit on me...which made me even more curious. I agree with wags that fiction is fiction & kids are not going to suddenly have red glowing eyes and go on killing sprees after watching the film! And if they do...blame the parents.

THE Justin Dudley whose Century is HIS said...

my thoughts exactly, guys.

the golden compass and the harry potter movies/books are about as evil as the wizard of oz, which last time i checked, involved witches... good and wicked. it's FICTION. FANTASY. Ignorant fucktards like the people who are making a fuss over this make me suspicious and angry at all evangelicals, which is wrong because I know many very good, religious people.

A few bad apples, as they say...

.mathr. said...

Me, too. I hate Jesus. He came into my room, last night, and when I told him to get out, he forced me to put my finger into his 'wounds', so that I'd know it was him, right? That's gross. Really gross.

I called the cops, but I guess they couldn't track him.

Jesus is fucking rude.

JPartridge said...

Thanks for all the comments guys. All I was really trying to say is that all of the fervor over something like this is just to take the attention away from the real issues...well that and how I hate people that thrust there faith onto me.

And I am glad that others find talking bears as fantastic as I do...



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