Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Pre-Op: The Wisdom Teeth Ordeal.

Son of a bitch…

I am really not looking forward to this. I found out, on Tuesday, that all four of my wisdom teeth are going to have to come out…on FRIDAY! Now here is the thing, I have never had any kind of major surgery at all, like none whatsoever so the prospect of me getting an IV injected into my arm, to put me in a state of “semi-consciousness” (not sleep..Semi-consciousness!) To have some crackpot, fucking Wonka-esqe oral surgeon rip out four things that were, until recently, parts of my goddamn mouth!

Here is how it all went down: I rushed into my 12:45 appointment at Dr. Farr’s office for a consultation and found my mom waiting there for me. The paperwork had all been taken care of and it was off toward the back. First off, what is it about dentist’s offices and subsequent work-spaces that just scream “people have died here…the wrong way”? And secondly, why are all dental hygienists just always pissed off? Oh yeah, they are dental hygienists…their job is to chumscrub all of the plaque and terrible mess off of people’s teeth and gums. They are the deckhands of the dentistry trade.

So, I get sat down in the really ominous/goofy chair and I was told to roll up my hoodie sleeve so she can take my blood pressure. Fucking why? I really don’t see the correlation between things that I EAT with and the blood that pumps through my veins. I smell a scam; I remind myself to keep alert. So blood pressure is taken and I stare at the monitor for a bit…there is nothing more terrifying than any kind of EKG machine. Period. After getting told that my O2 levels were low, this is just another way of saying that I am grossly under athletic, the dentist comes in.

Ok, I am sure Dr. Farr is a great guy, but I get a real Willy Wonka vibe from this cat and when I say Willy Wonka, I mean a guy who rides around in a truck with a camper in the bed that has “free ice cream” spray painted on the side with a jar of Cloro-kid in the seat next to him at the ready. The way he talks is even creepier. After every other word, there is a smacking sound that is made with his lips. It is extremely off-putting. Here is an example: “So, right now (smack) what we are really (smack) trying to do is to (smack) try and weigh the (smack) risks involved with (smack) the procedure like this against (smack) the pros. (Smack)” Imagine actually considering a man that talks like that performing any kind of surgery on you. This guy should be pushing a fucking broom at some school and jerking off into the boiler, in the basement after hours.

So, we take some x-rays and check me teeth. My lips were also Vaselined, to “keep my lips from chapping.” Holy shit, I now know what medical care is like in Africa. This, as you can already tell, added considerable creepy points to this guy. All in all, it was a basic (I think) wisdom teeth consultation, with the cap off of the whole affair being the scheduling of the operation, which I really didn’t want to be that soon. I needed at least a few days to prepare, but Dear Readers, I am thrust into it and I must walk the road to the end.

This will most likely be my last entry for awhile. I shall return for a Post-Op update and resume my musing posthaste. I hope that you all will miss me and give me tons of sympathy in my coming time of hardship in pain. If not, I shall embark on a revenge spree that would make Sweeny Todd’s razors look like mere pocket knives. Until next time, my friends.

God, I better get some great fucking pills after this.

Out On Highway 61,


.mathr. said...

I've never known any living being to rival Chris Cornman's ability to make something out of nothing, the way that you so aptly do.

THE Justin Dudley whose Century is HIS said...

i guess it's better than making nothing out of nothing.

great post, JP. as always.

.mathr. said...


June said...

You have every right to be afraid. The worse pain I ever felt was an abscessed tooth (and I have given birth). Dentists too are of a different breed, they do not feel pain like we do. Even Chuck Norris is afraid of the dentist!

JPartridge said...

Dentists to me have always just had a special place in the creep pantheon for me. I have no idea why.

And my dear Mathr, you have just named one of my favorite Modest Mouse albums and if one can't make anything out of nothing where exactly did we get the somethings in our lives in the first place?

Think on that...

Wags391 said...

It's not that bad, if you're a man. Take the IV, fall asleep, and take the drugs. It was that easy for me. And I hope your grandmother enjoyed The Blues Brothers.


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